Our Hope Place - how can I help is my spouse has experienced a miscarriage?

how can I help if my spouse/partner has experienced a miscarriage?

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Journal entry:

“Today is the day my world stopped. I had a miscarriage. My husband and I

were

“lucky” – we got pregnant right away. Now I just feel empty and sad. Actually the word

“sad” does

not describe it. “Raw” would be the closest word I could come up with. My

emotions, my thoughts

and my insides are

screaming

.”

Devastated. Sad. Lonely. Empty. Mad. Hurt. Guilty. Angry. Confused. Her hormones are raging,
her mind is spinning, and she will likely feel many things all at once, nothing at all, and everything in
between.

Having a miscarriage sets your world upside down. Rips the carpet out from under you. Smacks you in
the face. All at the same time.

The baby. Our baby. My baby! It is all you think about and all you try not to think about.

Time has stopped and this moment, the actual date, time and place of the miscarriage will forever be
part of your history; etched in your heart. Time will be referenced, if only by you, as “before the
miscarriage” or “after the miscarriage”.

Your body feels empty, your mind feels overwhelmed with thoughts and questions. Your heart feels
very, very heavy. Crying and yelling or even the combination of the two, can’t seem to take any of the
pain away.

Everyday normal seems far away and previous priorities don’t seem to matter or can even seem trivial at
this time. All you can think about is what you lost – your baby. How could life be so cruel? Unfair?

You don’t feel like yourself, only a shell of who you were just moments ago before the miscarriage. This
is not my life. It doesn’t feel like you're living but rather watching a movie. And then it hits you again.
The feeling that you have had the wind knocked out of you, puts your life at a standstill and brings you
back to reality. You realize this is your life. Your body. Your mind. Your feelings. Your baby. And now
your miscarriage.

It is normal for your spouse to dwell (you know how we women can be our own worst enemy) on the
following: Why me? What did I do to cause it? Did I do anything wrong? What is next? Your friend didn't
do anything wrong.

Your spouse could be experiencing these feelings all at one time or all at the same time. The
combination of these feelings can be overwhelming. Not to mention the hormones. Remind your
spouse to be kind to herself or at least allow you to be kind to her.

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Journal entry:

“For the time I was pregnant before my miscarriage, I had experienced joy

that

filled me completely. A time that changed my life. Thinking about the miscarriage, I

remember

an emptiness that went straight into the core of my being. At work I would find

myself going over

and over my daily life. Did I eat something not on the pregnancy list, did I

walk too long on that

beautiful day or was that basket of clothes too heavy? Thoughts of

what the baby would look like

came flooding into my head on the way home in the car. I felt

like I was consumed with what

would never be.

As every woman is unique, her situation will be different. Some woman may choose to put their
miscarriage behind them sooner and look to the future with hope, while others will take more time to get
to that same place to begin healing.

There is no right or wrong answer, amount of time to heal or way to go about it. Allow your spouse the
time she needs. Don’t pressure your friend in any preconceived way based on your time line or how
you would grieve.

Grieving is a very personal process and should be respected. Letting your spouse know that you are
there for her will go a long way.

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Journal entry:

“I know everyone is trying to help. My husband. My parents. My in-laws. My

friends. I appreciate the effort. The words, the thoughts and cards and gifts to cheer me up.

The

daily phone calls to see how I am feeling. Sometimes talking helps. Sometimes it do

esn’t.

Sometimes quietness and staring out the window does. Sometimes it doesn’t. This is going to

take

time.”

Really there are no magic words that you can say to comfort your spouse. She is going through a very
difficult time in her life. Let her know that you are there for her. That you want to support her at this
time. That you recognize her feelings and you are sorry for the loss of your baby.

Giving her the time she needs to heal is important, as her grief can come and go. Everyday events,
specific words, other pregnant women, babies and baby related items can remind your spouse of her
loss.

Be patient. Do realize that everyone copes with loss, even the same kind of loss, in different ways.
Letting your spouse grieve and mourn in her own way and time is important.

What we found most helpful while we were coping with our loss was having a spouse who:
was a great listener
acknowledged our baby
acknowledged our feelings
supported us
hugged us
cried with us
was quiet with us

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Journal entry:

I know people mean well, but I am not sure they think before they speak. Today 3

friends told me, "don't worry you can get pregnant again". Although I hope this is true, that's not

what I wan't to hear right now. How can they just discredit my baby. Don't they see I am

grieving? What if I told them, "Too bad your husband died. You can get married again."

Most people when faced with the news of a miscarriage can sympathize in the abstract. But feeling
comfortable talking to your spouse about your loss may be difficult for many reasons.

Get over it! Your spouse needs you. Now is the time to think of her. Even if you get it wrong, she will
know you meant well, and will appreciate all you do.

People close to your spouse may think it is better not to remind her of the pain of the miscarriage while
she is trying to “forget it” or they may not understand the importance of her loss. Actually
acknowledging the baby will provide more comfort.

We have tried to put together a list of comments that we heard from well meaning friends and relatives.
Just keep in mind that during this sensitive time there are many sentences that once said, do not sound
as great as intended and may actually be insensitive and hurtful. Try to think of another type of loss
(death of a spouse or grandparent) and how the following sentences would sound relative to that loss, it
will help you see if what you are saying is comforting.

Try to stay away from saying to your spouse:

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Journal entry:

I feel a little better today. i can't believe it, I didn't think I would ever start to heal.

My friend Laura confessed that she had a miscarriage too. I instantly didn't feel so alone. She

told me of a special bracelet that she wanted to lend me; it had helped her. I eagerly accepted

through my tears. Good friends make the

difference!

You will not be able to take away your spouse’s pain but you might be a bright spot in her day. Having
someone to remind your spouse that she is special and that she is cared about goes a long way.

Based on how we felt going through our own miscarriages, here is some advise on what to do or say:

There may be days when your

pouse

needs to:

talk specifically about the miscarriage and the baby she lost.

alk about everything but the miscarriage

give her mind a rest from thinking about the miscarriage

(sport activities, shopping,

movies, book club, gardening)

alk

with other women who have experienced the devastation of a miscarriage –

sharing is

power

Remind your

pouse

-to

find her own path to healing (that if she needs to cry in the shower first thing in

the

morning to make her day a little easier – then do it)

-to

enjoy time with her

self,

ou or close friends and family

-to

enjoy time with

our

other children

not

blame herself for what has happened

that it is OK to have jealous or envious feeling of pregnant women or women with

children,

she will not always feel like this

that one day - even though her heart will never forget – she will feel better

o have

a little hope for the future and think positively

there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Do what she needs to do to feel

better.

visit our website – www.OurHopePlace.com

Oh and a great back rub never hurts.

You should feel good about yourself and what you are trying to do for your spouse. We created
OurHopePlace.com to be an enabler of hope allowing friends to help their friends feel comfort,
understanding, healing and ultimately hope in their time of need. We hope we helped you.

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Your grieving process may be very different then your spouse who experienced the miscarriage.

-You may find it easier not to show your feelings as you think your emotions will upset your

partner even more. (look like you do not care)

-You want to stay strong to protect her but really end up feeling alone and isolated in your feelings

-You may not know how to express your feelings or what the miscarriage means to you

-You may feel guilty that your partner was the one who had to go through the physical

miscarriage experience

-You may want to talk about the miscarriage but feel that you partner does not want to talk at that

time or visa versa

-You may want life to get “back to normal” sooner than your partner

-Be patient, your spouse will find her way. Be supportive and let her know you love her.

-Your feelings are just as important as hers, make sure you find time to talk to each other.

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link to customize cope and hope care package
link to bracelet of hope story

We can always get pregnant again	You are diminishing this lost pregnancy, this baby and the hope and dreams already formulated for this baby. (You can always get another husband, grandmother, etc.)
We have other children, we are lucky	Every child is a blessing and if you were trying for another baby, you were hoping for another baby. (You have other grandparents, best friends.)
Good thing the pregnancy ended itself, it was God’s way, it’s for the best, there could have been something wrong with the baby	Although intellectually she may think of this, emotionally she still lost a baby.
You were only a few weeks pregnant, how can you be so upset, you were not attached to baby yet, it was not a full term baby	A few days, weeks or months of being pregnant, many women have already bonded with the baby and have imagined a future for that baby in their mind. It does not matter how long they were pregnant for to be attached to the dream that will now not happen. (You only were married for a few weeks when your husband died – how can you be so upset?)
You have an angel up in heaven	Although this may seem comforting, your spouse would rather have a baby in her arms. (You have your grandmother up in heaven now looking over you instead of on earth enjoying life with you.)
I understand what you are going through	Everyone grieves differently and heals differently
You are young, you can try again.	Every child is a blessing and if you were trying for another baby, you were hoping for another baby. (Sorry your husband died. You are young, you can get remarried.)
I have a friend who had many miscarriages and now has children	Although this may sound comforting at first, your spouse may not be able to see beyond the moment and for her that moment is that she just lost a baby. (I have a friend who lost her husband and is now married again.)
Not acknowledging the baby and her miscarriage as a serious loss	This could make your spouse think that you do not care. (Not letting your spouse know that you are sorry for the loss of her parent, grandparent, etc.)